The Best Bad Advice I Ever Received

One of the things I love about May is that it’s the time of year for graduation ceremonies – and graduation speeches. So much advice is given to young people just before they embark on the next stage of their life (and the first stage of their careers). 

I don’t remember anything the speakers said at my college graduation ceremony. But I do remember a piece of advice I was given when I was 18 years old. It infuriated me at the time, which is probably why I still remember the day I received it so vividly all these years later.

I was a freshman in college when I met a broadcast journalist for the first time. Having grown up in a small town, I was pretty wide-eyed when I went to college, and meeting a broadcast journalist was a big deal to me back then.

She worked at the CBS affiliate in Indianapolis, and was the guest speaker for the Media Honors Program I was in at my university. My classmates and I had already heard from print journalists that semester, but this was our first chance to hear from a television journalist. 

She and our professor, journalist Richard Roth, sat on the stage in our media center and began a Q&A session about working in television news. I furiously took notes, trying to capture everything she said. Then they opened it up to questions from the group of eager 18-year-olds in the room.

I raised my hand, and stood up to ask my question.

“What advice would you give to a woman who wants to pursue a career in broadcast journalism?”  I asked her earnestly.

She immediately gave me an answer, and it wasn’t the ‘get good grades’ or ‘work hard’ that I suppose I was expecting.  

“Marry well,” she said matter-of-factly. 

“Broadcast journalism doesn’t pay very well. My husband has a really good paying job with Pepsi – that’s why I can do this job.”

And that was it. Next question.

I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. Was she really telling me – a girl who’d worked hard and excelled in academics her whole life – that I should spend the next four years searching for a wealthy man who could pay the rent?

I was so angry. What kind of message was this 30-something-year-old woman sending to a group of kids in 1995? 

I had hoped to leave the session with insights and inspiration. Maybe even a role model. But I didn’t admire her at all. Even today, 25 years later, I can still picture that room, and see her sitting under the spotlights on the left-side of the stage telling me to find a man with deep pockets. 

And I still remember how disappointed I felt.

But looking back at it now, I think that the advice ‘Marry well’ is good – just not how she meant it.

Forget about the money – I don’t think anyone should aim to be dependent on anyone else financially. You may find yourself in that situation (as a stay-at-home parent, for example), but I would encourage everyone to develop marketable skills that allow them to put food on the table, too (just in case). You never know when trust funds or marriages will fall apart.

Instead, ‘marry well’ in the sense that you find a partner who understands and encourages your dreams. 

The person you choose for your partner (if you choose one – and I’m not saying you have to choose one) is going to have a huge impact on your life. I’ve seen couples who didn’t agree on having children or where to live, but got married anyway thinking the other person would ‘change their mind.’ It’s possible someone will change their mind – but don’t count on it. If living in a certain city or having (or not having) kids is paramount, find someone else who feels the same way you do.

A supportive partner can make a world of difference – not just to your career – but to your happiness. Look at Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She was a trailblazer – but so was her husband, Marty. He was a lawyer, too, but he supported Ruth’s ambitions, and shared the domestic load at home. He even campaigned for her to get a seat on the Supreme Court. There may not have been a lot of women like Ruth in the 1950s, but there probably weren’t a lot of men like Marty, either.

Your career success is affected by so many factors – your skills and talents sure, but also luck and timing. And the support you have from a partner can play a huge part – particularly if you have children. The mental load that comes with raising a family is heavy – and it’s hard for one person to carry. Especially if that person is working outside the home, too.

So to all the young people who are venturing out into the working world, benefit from one lesson I’ve learned in the last 25 years.

Know the impact a life partner can have on your career – and happiness. 

If you choose to have one, choose well.

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